Shinji vs Santa Claus
by Mister Cynical
Summary: Merry Christmas from the jerk. The B-stories, Christmas style!


I don't own anything.

Shinji vs Santa Claus

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the cheap apartment, not creature was stirring except for Shinji Ikari, his secretary and some chick with nice tits they had picked up in a bar.

When out of the tiny balcony arose such a clatter, Shinji spun and shot Santa Claus in the leg.

"Holy shit!" Yuki yelped. The chick moaned and collapsed on the bed, completely spent. "Who the hell is that?"

"One second," Shinji ordered, dropping his pistol, grabbing Yuki's hips, and promptly pounding her until he finished, coincidentally getting her off twice. "Okay, now what were we talking about?" Shinji asked, collapsing onto the bed himself.

"Mm," Yuki hummed, resting her head on the chick's thigh. "I'm not sure."

"You kneecapped Santa Claus!" a booming, not so jolly voice declared. Shinji glanced over and saw a man in all red collapsed against the wall.

"Santa?" he asked. He sighed in annoyance and picked up his pistol again. "Damn burglars, is nothing sacred anymore?"

"I'm not a burglar!" the bearded man snapped. "I'm Santa Claus."

"Uh huh," Shinji replied, toeing the big red bag next to the man. "Loot."

"Its presents!" the man boomed. "For her!" Shinji glanced back at the chick on the bed. "Sarah has been a very good girl this year."

"Sarah?" Yuki asked. She grabbed the chick's purse and pulled out her wallet. "Huh. Her name is Sarah."

"Think this is some kind of setup?" Shinji asked. "She picks marks and he busts in pretending to be Santa?"

"Maybe."

"I'm Santa Claus!" the man repeated.

"There is no Santa Claus!" Shinji growled. "Christ. I never believe in Santa Claus. The old fucker my dad pawned me off on didn't even celebrate Christmas. He was Buddhist."

"My family did," Yuki admitted. "It broke my heart when I snuck downstairs and caught my parents putting the presents under the tree."

"I don't deliver to heathens like you," Santa declared.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Shinji grumbled, "the naughty and nice list."

"No," Santa replied, "you heathens aren't good Christians." Shinji stared at the man.

"And she is?" he asked, jerking a thumb at Sarah. "We picked her up in a bar. She was drunk as fuck and doing lines off some other chick's tits."

"She goes to church and confession," Santa said stiffly.

"Right."

"Check the roof for my sleigh!" Santa ordered. Shinji glanced back at Yuki.

"Go have a look would you?" She dressed quickly and disappeared out the door. Shinji took the moment to pull on a pair of jeans himself. Yuki walked back in a few minutes later with a strange look on her face.

"There are eight reindeer and a sleigh on your roof," she stated.

"Weren't there nine?" Shinji asked.

"Rudolph died of cancer," Santa stated. "Exposure to nuclear materials, why the hell else would his nose glow?"

"Right," Shinji repeated. He stared at the man. "So, want me to help you get to your sleigh?"

"I can't continue my journey like this!" Santa declared. He paused and glanced around. "I feel dizzy."

"That's just shock," Shinji stated as he reached under his bed and hunted around for his medical kit. He found it after a minute of searching and shoving assault weapons around. "Call the team in."

"Why?" Yuki asked.

"Cause I just know you aren't going to let me dump his fat ass in his sleigh and push him off the roof."

"Well of course not, you'll ruin kids' Christmases."

"Only good little Catholic boys and girls who confess all the nasty shit they do," Shinji countered. Yuki hesitated at that.

"They're still only kids."

"Women and kids," Shinji grumbled. "Call the team." He turned back to Santa. "Are you allergic to anything?"

"Do you happened to have any morphine?" Santa asked hopefully.

"Duh."

(:ii:)

"What the hell is your problem, Shinji!" Asa snapped as he stormed into his boss's apartment. "It's Christmas Eve!"

"You're a Jew," Shinji stated from where he was patching up a fat guy in a red suit. Asa was about to call racism when Shinji continued. "And a bad one at that." Asa couldn't really argue that point since they had called him out of his favorite local bordello.

"Who's the fatty?"

"Santa," Shinji stated. Asa sighed in annoyance.

"I mean, who is he really?" Asa asked.

"Santa," Shinji repeated.

"Santa isn't real," Asa stated.

"I fully agree with you, but the reindeer on the roof say otherwise," Shinji stated.

"Reindeer," Asa repeated. He looked around at the other members of the team sitting around the room.

"Reindeer," Bowski confirmed. "They're up there."

"Ah." Asa sat down. "Holiday shenanigans. What are we waiting on?"

"Mao," Shinji stated. "Alright Santa, the bleeding has stopped and it looks like I missed the bone, so you should be okay." The door opened and Mao walked in, looking rather pissed off. His eyes fell on Santa and his jaw dropped.

"What did you do to Santa?" he demanded.

"Ah, Mao," Santa replied fondly as he reached into his bag. "You were a good boy this year." He produced large, wrapped package and gave it to the Chinaman.

"You're Catholic?" Shinji asked.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Mao asked as he eagerly opened his present. "Ooh! The C96 I wanted! Thanks Santa!"

"What's the big deal with Mao being Catholic?" Bowski asked. "And why the hell didn't I get a present? I'm a Christian!"

"You Protestant son of a whore!" Santa snapped. Shinji pistol whipped him for that before straightening up.

"Apparently, jolly old Saint Nick only gives presents to Catholics," the mercenary leader stated.

"Why do I get the funny feeling that we're going to save Christmas for the Catholics?" Paulsen asked. "I say fuck the Catholics." Mao cocked his new pistol. "I mean, fuck most the Catholics. Hell, why'd he even show up here?"

"Sarah's apparently a good catholic girl," Shinji stated. Asa leaned to the side and stared at the naked woman sprawled out on Shinji's bed.

"Nice tits."

"Aren't they?" Yuki asked fondly, giving one of them a squeeze.

"Good catholic school girl?" Jalal pressed, picking up a tiny plaid miniskirt.

"Yep," Yuki replied.

"What were you doing in Shinji's room anyway?"

"Me and Shinji have been sharing chicks since the last job," Yuki stated. All eyes turned on Shinji.

"What?" he asked. "Me and Rei spit roasted her." All eyes turned on Yuki.

"Do I dig into your sex lives?" she demanded.

"Alright!" Shinji interrupted loudly. "I've been talking with Santa. Here's the plan. Santa was just finishing up his European run and was about to move onto South America. Because of the amount of time lost. We're making a dash for North Pole to grab the spare sled and then we split up."

"He's done with America already?" Reinhardt wondered.

"I asked about that and he made a bunch of semi-coherent remarks about no gifts for those who have failed to drive that heathen scum from their lands."

"Why are we helping him again?"

"For the children!" Yuki announced.

"What about him?" Asa asked, glancing at Santa.

"While he was high I broke his other leg," Shinji answered. "He isn't going anywhere unless he can drag his fat ass around with his arms. So, to the sleigh!"

(:ii:)

"This is amazing!" Yuki declared. Shinji glanced down at the ground whipping by below.

"This is actually kind of cool," he finally admitted.

"Baldie!" Asa declared as he hocked another one over the side. "Got him."

"I'm getting a whole bunch!" Reinhardt declared from atop the bag where he was pissing off the back of the sleigh.

"Do you think the reindeer will be okay?" Yuki asked. One of the reindeer turned.

"Oh please. You lot are still lighter than the Big Man's fat ass!" it declared.

"The reindeer can talk," Yuki said stoically.

"Mother fucker, we are fucking flying and you're worried about us talking?" the reindeer demanded. "Haven't you seen that mother fucking Christmas special?"

"The one with Rudolph?" Yuki asked.

"That's the one, God rest his soul," the reindeer stated.

"Santa told us that he had cancer," Yuki commented.

"Bull shit," the reindeer announced. "He sold poor Rudolph. You know those red glow sticks?"

"No," Yuki gasped in horror.

"Yup," the reindeer stated. "They mother fucking killed him and dissected him. Every time you crack a red glow stick, someone is making a profit off killing one of my best buds."

"Why do you work for him?" Yuki asked.

"What the hell else would I do?" the reindeer demanded. "I'm a mother fucking flying, talking reindeer. I leave the Big Man and I'm gonna get my ass dissected!" He glanced forward. "There's the base. Misses Claus is waiting with the other sleigh." The sleigh swept in and Shinji's team hopped off and formed a perimeter out of habit. A white haired woman watched all this with a raised eyebrow.

"You lot don't look like the usual guys my husband cons into doing his job," the woman stated.

"And you don't look like a centuries old house wife," Shinji shot back. Aside from the white hair, Misses Claus looked to be a particularly curvy mid-twenties coed. The low cut, high rise red Christmas outfit she was wearing proved it.

"I'm the one hundredth Misses Claus," the woman stated. "The fat bag of shit is always chasing a new trophy wife. So, what's his excuse this time? Did he fall of the roof and hurt his back? How about the one about food poisoning from tainted milk?"

"I shot him in the leg when he snuck into my apartment to give a gift to some chick me and her picked up in a bar," Shinji interrupted. Misses Claus's jaw dropped and she stared at Shinji and Yuki in utter silence. "So, where's that other sleigh?"

"Over there," Misses Claus stated. "I'm already having the elves split up the total load.

"Good," Shinji turned to his men. "Asa. Your team in sleigh two. Me and Yuki and my team will take sleigh one."

"Your team can go in sleigh two," Misses Claus cut in. "They'll need the extra help. Sleigh two is covering the largest area. I'll go in sleigh one to help navigate. Sleigh one is heading for Brazil. It's very religiously diverse, so you'll need my help to sort out the good little Catholic fuckers from the heathens." Shinji stared at the woman, his hand resting on his pistol. "Just suggesting!" she added quickly.

"Right." Shinji turned back to his men. "There's the plan. Load them up Asa!"

"Got it boss."

(:ii:)

Asa watched as the North Pole shrank in the distance. "That lucky mother fucker."

"What?" Greaves asked.

"Shinji's gonna be getting road head the entire way," Asa stated.

"Huh?" Reinhardt asked brilliantly.

"Jesus Christ, did you see the way Misses Claus looked at Shinji and Yuki when they were talking about their threesome?" Asa demanded. "She wanted in. That's why she sent Shinji's team with us."

"Whoa," Bowski stated. "That was smooth. I didn't even notice."

"Mph," Kenny agreed.

"Hey, I just thought of something," Mao cut in. "We're flying."

"So?" Asa asked. "Hey, wait! I'm terrified of flying! Nyargh!"

"Thank you," Bowski said. "Now, I'm in charge!"

"Who says?" Reinhardt demanded.

"I do!" Bowski announced. "My first act as leader is to declare that we need some bitches!"

"He's the leader," Reinhardt acquiesced.

"No can do Skipper," Mao reported. "We're on a locked course."

"Fuck. Guess we'll have to find other ways of amusing ourselves," Bowski groused.

"Yep."

(:ii:)

"So, how does this work?" Shinji asked as he stared at the massive sack of presents on the back of the sleigh.

"Well," Misses Claus began, "the computer will beep and you just throw the toys that come out of the sack overboard. They make their own way to the house. It's so easy a monkey could do it."

"Then why did the fat man break into my place?" Shinji asked.

"Probably trying to score himself a new Misses Claus," Misses Claus stated darkly.

"Why would any woman sleep with him?" Shinji pressed.

"Same reason women sleep with anybody," Yuki guessed, "he gets them shiny things, right?"

"On the head," Misses Claus stated. "Will those idiots be okay? I'm not sure I like the smiles they had."

"Oh, they'll be fine," Shinji answered. "I'd be more worried about the rest of South America." Misses Claus giggled, but trailed off as Shinji and Yuki didn't join in.

"Oh, you're being serious." Shinji nodded and Misses Claus awkwardly looked around before checking her watch. "I do believe we have some time. Why don't you tell me about yourselves."

"I'm Shinji Ikari and I fight other people's wars for money," Shinji stated. Yuki sighed in annoyance.

"There are better ways of stating that," she growled. "I swear, if this job had any kind of public relations angle, I would cut out your tongue."

"You're a mercenary?" Misses Claus asked. Shinji nodded. "What about you?"

"I scare up work and keep track of clients," Yuki answered. "Call me a secretary and Mister Claus is going to be a very happy widower in search of Misses Claus Number One hundred and One. Dig?"

"Dig," Misses Claus squeaked.

"Good," Yuki stated. Misses Claus managed to compose herself relatively quickly.

"So, how long have you two been together?" At the question, Shinji and Yuki glanced at each other and promptly burst into laughter.

"We aren't together!" Yuki exclaimed. "God, I can't stand this idiot. He's just an amazing fuck."

"I didn't even think she liked men until a few months ago," Shinji added.

"What happened a few months ago?" Misses Claus pressed eagerly. She just knew this was going to be a great story.

"Me and my team were on a rescue mission and we brought back this girl I knew from a long time ago," Shinji explained. "Me and the girl went out partying and picked up these smoking Asian chicks in school girl outfits."

"Who happened to be twins," Yuki interjected.

"Anyway, the four of us are having a real good time and little Miss Bitch comes storming into my apartment," Shinji continued. "She begs into the party and I pin her to the bed and get my old friend to sodomize her with this huge rubber cock."

"I'm sure Misses Claus doesn't want all the details," Yuki cut in, having the common decency to blush. Misses Claus would beg to differ, but the computer binged and a present fell into Shinji's lap.

"Just toss it?"

"Just toss it," Misses Claus confirmed. There was another beep and several presents fell into Shinji's lap. He tossed them over and frown.

"How come that one got so many more presents?"

"It was probably a Caucasian family," Misses Claus answered.

"A racist and a religious bigot?" Yuki asked in shock. Misses Claus nodded.

"Oh, me and that tub of lard are gonna have words before the night is through," Shinji declared.

(:ii:)

"Banzai!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Bowski demanded as he snatched up the mortar shell from Reinhardt's hand.

"Amusing myself!" Reinhardt declared.

"We can't just blow peoples' houses up!" Bowski snapped. "It's Christmas for fuck's sake!"

"But they're Catholics!" Reinhardt whined.

"They are people!" Bowski declared. "Catholicism is just a group of mostly regular people. Just like any other group, be they religious, ethnic, or whatever. You cannot judge the whole just because of the fanatics." There was dead silence of the sleigh.

"That was deep man," Paulsen stated.

"But those fanatics still make the entire group look like a bunch of assholes," Reinhardt grumbled sullenly. "Just like every other group."

"Well that goes without saying," Bowski replied.

"Mph," Kenny stated.

"An eggnog machine, really?" Jalal asked eagerly.

"How the hell does that bastard always find the booze?" Mao wondered.

"He's Irish," Bowski stated.

"Ha!" Reinhardt interrupted. "The Irish are a group of mostly regular people. You cannot judge the whole just because of the fanatics."

"No, the Irish are pretty strait forward," Bowski replied. "They all drink."

"Mph," Kenny agreed.

"Onward to Venezuela!" Greaves declared, pointing dramatically. Incidentally, while pointing, he accidentally landed a fairly devastating haymaker to Kenny's jaw and sent to orange clad mercenary tumbling from the sleigh. Bowski glanced over the side and whistled.

"Well, somebody's getting a dead Irishman for Christmas." There were a couple of murmurs of agreement. Jalal grabbed Bowski's shoulder and dragged him to the corner of the sleigh.

"Hey, what's Greaves' hard on for Venezuela?" he asked.

"I have no idea," Bowski replied. "He is being surprisingly focused."

"You idiots," Mao grumbled. "The American government has been trying to brainwash Americans into hating Venezuela for years."

"Why?" Bowski asked. It just seemed like such a random and stupid thing.

"Well, Venezuela is communist or socialist or whatever the hell America is standing against," Mao explained. "But, more importantly, Venezuela has oil. America wants oil, but Venezuela isn't going to let itself be bossed around."

"Good for them," Bowski stated. "Are all Americans against them?"

"I don't think most give a shit," Mao stated. "The government blew all its credibility out its ass a while ago and now they're realizing that you can't turn a nation against somebody if the nation doesn't trust you."

"Greaves seems pretty brainwashed," Jalal commented.

"You could brainwash Greaves by passing dental floss through his ears and wiggling it about," Bowski stated.

"There it is!" Greaves hissed suddenly. He snatched up the box of mortar shells and started hurtling them over the side. Jalal jumped up to grab him, but Bowski stopped him.

"We have to stop that idiot!"

"Look closely," Bowski stated. Jalal did and noticed that greaves wasn't even removing the mortars from their tubes let alone arming the damn things.

"Well, I still don't really feel comfortable carpeting a country in live ordinance."

"Just let him get it out of his system," Bowski stated. "The little retard'll tucker himself right out." Paulsen, apparently, decided on the direct approach and clubbed Greaves with a cricket bat. "Where the fuck did you get that? I thought we agreed not to steal presents."

"I always have my bat with me," Paulsen stated. "It's my lucky charm." Bowski just shook his head in disbelief. Then he wondered where the hell Paulsen kept the damn thing. Then he decided that he really didn't want to know." Mao glanced over the side of the sleigh and whistled.

"You know, Chile looks pretty nice this time of year," he commented.

"Greaves said this was Venezuela," Bowski stated.

"Well, that should have been your first sign that this wasn't Venezuela," Mao replied. "You actually thought Greaves could answer a geography question right? The newspaper just had a story about how most American students couldn't find God damned America on a map."

"Good point."

(:ii:)

Shinji stared at the horizon and scowled. He could just make out the sky starting to lighten and they had just hit the halfway point. "I don't think we're going to make it."

"Of course we're going to make it," Misses Claus stated confidently.

"We're only half way done," Shinji protested. Misses Claus reached for the dashboard and punched a large red button. "What did you just do?"

"I stopped time."

"You can do that?" Yuki asked in shock.

"Of course. How the hell else would that fat tub of lard deliver presents to every good Catholic boy and girl?"

"I was kind of wondering that," Shinji commented. "Why don't you just freeze the whole night?"

"Overuse can fuck up the space/time continuum," Misses Claus explained. "Fatso normally uses it so he can score a quickie off some chick during his run. A real quickie."

"He's that bad?" Yuki asked.

"Well, I don't know about Christmas, but Father Christmas does come early, a lot."

"That sucks."

"You have no idea," Misses Claus grumbled. She glanced at Shinji and the hemline of her red tube skirt seemed to slowly creep up her long, white stocking-clad thigh. "Say, have you ever wanted to fuck Misses Claus in Santa Claus's sleigh?"

"Well, considering the fact that until tonight I didn't believe in Santa Claus and I thought Misses Claus was an eighty-year-old Grandmother, I can't say that I have." Misses Claus sighed in annoyance and Yuki put a comforting arm around her thinly-clad shoulders.

"Sweetie, trust me when I say this, if you want some action tonight, don't be subtle with that dumb ass."

"Alright." Misses Claus rose to her feet, grabbed Shinji by the shoulders, threw him down in the seat next to Yuki and straddled his hips. "Say, would you like to fuck Misses Claus in Santa Claus's sleigh?"

"Okay."

(:ii:)

"And we're home," Shinji stated as the sleigh came in for a nice smooth landing. Mao quickly leapt out of it. "What's your problem?"

"I refuse to be in close proximity to the man who deflowered Misses Claus!" the irate Catholic Chinaman snapped.

"Heh. That girl didn't need to be deflowered. . .anywhere."

"I'm not listening!" Mao snapped, plugging his ears and running for the stairwell. Shinji chuckled and climbed down before helping Yuki down.

"I've been meaning to ask," Paulsen wondered as he grabbed Asa's boot and dragged him out sleigh. "Are we getting paid for this?"

"Isn't the knowledge that children are going to be happy tomorrow, enough?" Shinji asked.

"Fuck no."

"Me neither," Shinji agreed. "But a job this fun I'd do for free."

"You really fucked Misses Claus?" Reinhardt asked.

"Yeah," Yuki answered. She still had a big grin on her face. "God, that woman had a long tongue."

"Moving on!" Bowski announced as he dragged Greaves out of the sleigh as well.

"Yeah, moving on," Shinji agreed, "what the hell happened to Greaves?"

"Just being Greaves," Paulsen stated.

"Anyway, I already discussed this with Yuki," Shinji announced. "She's gonna finagle it around so that this is community service that we can get a tax right off on."

"That sounds pretty good." The door to the stairwell banged open and Mao staggered out, almost carrying Santa Claus. He made it to the sleigh and dumped the fat man inside.

"Well, everything's taken care of," Shinji announced. "We dropped off the second sleigh and Misses Claus at the North Pole." Old Chris Cringle glared at him suspiciously.

"Well?" he demanded.

"Well what?" Shinji asked.

"Well, aren't you going to ask me for a present or something?" Santa demanded.

"Oh, no. I got everything I didn't know I wanted tonight," Shinji stated.

"Several times!" Yuki added slinging and arm around his shoulders and flashing Santa a victory sign. Santa shrugged and cracked his whip. The reindeer started slowly dragged the sleigh off the roof and aloft. Shinji reached into his pocket and pulled out the detonator. "You aren't really going to charge Misses Claus for this, are you?" Yuki asked.

"Nah." Shinji pushed the button and a series of small charges disconnected sleigh from reindeer, who happily flew off into the early morning sky.

"The sled's still hovering," Yuki stated. The door banged open again and all present turned to stare at the short Arabic man who had appeared.

"Hey," Shinji called. "I was wondering if you would show up."

"Of course I showed up," the man stated. "I hate that fat fucker."

"The honor's all yours," Shinji stated as he handed a second detonator to the man. A button press later and the sleigh was flaming wreckage falling through the sky.

"Take that you fucker!" the man snapped. Mao stared at him and frowned.

"Who the hell are you?"

"So, you recognize the fat man, but not me?" the Arabic man demanded.

"Yeah," Mao answered. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Jesus Christ!" the man snapped.

"What are you doing here?" Yuki asked.

"The Second Impact," Jesus stated. "It was supposed to be my second coming, but somebody upstairs didn't have my back. . .again. I tried to talk to the Vatican, but they tried to kill me because I called them out on all the bullshit they've been pulling and how nobody is living by my teachings."

"Ouch," Paulsen stated. "I always thought you'd be taller. . .and white."

"I'm from the damn Middle East," Jesus replied, "and I am tall. . .for the time I was born in."

"So, how're you enjoying Amsterdam?" Yuki asked.

"I'm loving it," Jesus answered. "I gotta tell you guys, the water to wine thing? That's pure panty-dropping power right there."

"And Jesus is a womanizer too," Yuki sighed in defeat.

"It's all Mary's fault," Jesus said. "I was a nice normal guy until I got married. She introduced me to some weird shit. Plus, we had Polygamy back in my day. Check the Old Testament."

"Well, I've saved Christmas, fucked Misses Claus and destroyed Christmas," Shinji announced. "I'm calling it a night. Now, all together!"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, what the fuck did you expect from me? I am me after all and this is a very me style story.

I got to tell you guys, this one was fun. I was updating Angel Eyes and saw the date. Originally, I wasn't going to do a Christmas story, but Shinji vs. Santa Claus just popped into my head and I knew it had to be written.

So, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, happy all the rest of that stuff and remember, it's just a fucking story. If you feel insulted, be proud. You've just joined the ranks of many great and powerful people and organizations.


End file.
